Written by politicalpop
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Topics: School, Ofsted

Wednesday, 31 January 2007

image for Underperforming Schools Lead to Heely Deaths
The government is turning kids like this into deadly missiles just for better results

Barnet's worst-performing school faces closure unless it stops forcing kids to wear deadly Heelys so they can complete homework quicker, Ofswot said today. Heelys look like trainers, but they have powerful jet engines at the back, and wheels in the heels which turn kids into deadly missiles.

Dr. Screwloose Swivelson, headteacher of Millstone Neck High School, Barnet, said that kids who won't wear Heelys were 'history'. He waved this year's league tables which show pupils in 200 schools wearing Heelys, including Millstone Neck, were way ahead of the other losers.

A 10-year-old Millstone Neck boy is very, very, very ill in hospital after skating under a truck on the hard shoulder of the M1, in his Heelys. The boy needed brain surgery after the accident.

It comes after several kids contacted The Spoof with safety worries about Heelys. Experts have been encouraging kids to wear fireproof protective gear when they are using their Heelys, which usually cost between £5000 to £100000.

Ten-year-old Spoof reader, Thomas Tankengine, emailed us with his concerns about the shoes.

'They are anti-social, dangerous and highly over-priced,' he said. 'I am very advanced for my age, and I can see the moral pitfalls in this antediluvian, retrograde step. Someone at my school has broken her neck. When will these unreasonable demands for better grades cease? Let kids be kids.'

We took Thomas to one of the biggest sellers of Heelys, a company called Totally Shat, so they could respond to Thomas's questions directly.

'It's the dirty word profit 'innit. Of course we have clear safety guidelines, and staff have been trained to teach these troublemakers how to use Heelys. Now, grab the kid, and snuff 'im proper.'

The company also washed its hands saying that it recommended that parents insisted that kids wear safety equipment, such as cushions, wrist, knee and elbow pads as well as helmets, visors, fireproof suits, gloves, and UV screens.

If you have had a Heelys accident, tell us about it by clicking on the link on this page.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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