Written by politicalpop
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Topics: BBC, Alan Titchmarsh

Wednesday, 31 January 2007

image for Ready, Steady, Riot - BBC Gardener's Awards Kicks Off
TV chefs, no match for gritty gardeners

There were ugly scenes at last night's BBC self-congratulatory event, 100 Years of BBC Gardening, when a gang of rebel TV chefs mounted the podium, and demanded the release of their leader, the forgotten drunk, Keith Floyd. Floyd was jailed in 2006, after a CBBC binge-drinking rampage with 'let's be having you' Norwich City boss, Delia Smith, led to ten pounds worth of damage.

Led by foul-mouthed former footballer, Gordon Ramsay. The gang of blubber-mouthed Jamie Olivers, and posh twit Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstalls, met firm resistance from Yorkshire born and bred Alan Titchmarsh, seven foot Monty Don, shifty baldy Joe Swift, and the perfumed weed wizard Rachel DeThame. Iron man, Monty, who has recently been planting Swiss Chard with armed thugs on the streets of Rio, turned over a table where convicts working at Jamie Oliver's Moss Side restaurant, Cell Block 15, were sitting. Alan Titchmarsh:

'Eee, we were just getting on tit garden bedding award, and Ramsay comes along all bolshy. Monty 'ad 'im in arm lock, and Swifty 'it 'im with the silver trowel he'd just won, ayyy.'

As testosterone spilled over the podium, the annoying Ainsley Harriot grabbed the microphone and made an impassioned plea for the release of Floyd.

'A bag of pearl barley, a loverly carrot, and a haggis. You've got twenty minutes.'

Trouble spilled into surrounding streets as fans of TV chefs fought pitched battles with fans of TV gardeners. Riot police were called at midnight, and order was restored at 2 am.

Filming of TV gardeners awarding each other with gongs was postponed, and protection racketeer, bare-breasted, Charlie Dimmock vowed to be there next time with TV builder/gardener, Tommy Walsh, who brandished a nail gun, and told The Spoof to push off.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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