Written by Steffan Lewis
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Tuesday, 30 January 2007

image for Milton Keynes holds the key to UK Prison crisis
Train stations at Milton Keynes are already being closed

John Reid, the Home Secretary, has declared his decision to turn Milton Keynes into Britain's highest security prison. Following today's announcement that Manchester will be the new European capital of gambling, competing with the sophisticated and classy casinos of Monaco this second announcement has shocked the residents of Milton Keynes.

In a press conference earlier today John Reid said "today is an historic day for New Labour in that joined up policy making has finally worked."

Plans published today reveal how the Home Office will solve the current prison crisis, re-generate an area of Manchester, boost the economy, reduce crime and address the Big Brother racism accusations all within the next six months.

The idea is to isolate Milton Keynes and use the entire town as a high security prison for Briton's worse offenders.

One supporter of the scheme hailed it as a stroke of genius. "Milton Keynes already looks the part and it'll cost the tax payer next to nothing, for a change."

When asked how the town could be made secure John Reid, the Home Secretary, commented that it would simply be a case of rearranging the sign posts and confiscating satellite navigation systems from prisoners. "No bugger will get out," he was confident.

It is believed that this decision will drastically reduce crime levels. "We recently reviewed the reintroduction of the death penalty to ease prison congestion and to serve as a greater deterrent to would be criminals."

"But the Foreign Office said it couldn't justify killing dangerous criminals when so many innocent civilians were already being killed in Iraq. So we came up with this instead."

"And we think this is better, anyway. I mean, some people are willing to risk their life for a bit of crime, but Milton Keynes on the other hand..."

One home office worker was thrilled. "We are thrilled," she said.

John Reid, the Home Secretary explained, "It means that we have some where to send the displaced residents of Manchester. The entire cast of Coronation Street will be moved to Milton Keynes. Those kind of people will get in the way of our plans to create the Monaco of the North of England. We want to attract a classier type of person. People like Shilpa Shetty, for instance."

"And while we're on the subject of Big Brother," he added, "Channel 4 is negotiating the rights to broadcasting CCTV footage from Milton Keynes with renewed sponsorship from Car Phone Warehouse. And we're going to send all racists there to be made an example of, especially if they're young, dumb and stupid."

"International sale of this Trueman style show will generate as much income again as the casinos in Manchester."

Recent debate on the effects of gambling have raised questions about gambling addiction driving people to crime.

Now, it appears, that problem is solved. Once an addict's home is repossessed to cover gambling debts they are simply thrown into Milton Keynes where therapy from Heather Mills will be readily available.

While the policy seems to have some benefits, objections from one or two residents of the town have been made.

One Milton Keynes councillor was deeply horrified. "I am deeply horrified. This decision might jeopardize our town's image."

The majority of residents doubt the change will make much difference, though one ninety eight year old resident claimed in a blog that she would simply take a chance and gamble her life savings and three bedroom Milton Keynes house on the roulette wheel in Manchester. "However you look at it, I'll avoid death duty."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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