It started with a few words over a tot's spilt pint, but then soccer mum, Mrs. Shiela Brickhouse, mother of forty, FORCED the driver of the Hull City Supporter's Club coach to SWERVE into South Mimms services, CONFISCATED cans of alcohol, SHOVED burly fans into the freezing cold, BRANDISHED a flask of hot tea, HURLED spam sandwiches at police officers, and PSYCHOLOGICALLY TORTURED fifty 30-stone men for twenty-four hours until they were crying like babies before police were able to stop laughing.
'Laaaast orders, please,' said former pub landlord and Hertfordshire Police Chief, Hugh Rory Montgomery. 'We're at what we call the chocolate and chips stage of negotiations. Now then. Now then. We're down to how many Heroes, favourite ones, salt and/or vinegar on the chips, that sort of detail. Come along now. Maybe gravy, a little curry sauce. Not too much. We can't take any chances. Drink up now.'
Mrs. Brickhouse, (53) armed with just the sharpness of her tongue, appears to have snapped when tempers flared over a petty argument that stemmed from a bit of push and shove, possibly involving handbags, although police have ruled this out.
'My wife ran off with an Elvis impersonator, but obviously, the condition of the hostages is a chief concern. Break it up now. To witness fifty huge men in forty quid football shirts weep, some of them on their own. I don't mind if I do, mine's a double. It'll take more than two of you. I used to run a bar in Tenerife, you know. This is a delicate situation, and we are proceeding with utmost caution. Who's a nark?'
Organisers of Hull City Supporter's Club were not available for comment last night, but some kids hanging around the ground were told to push off.