Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: John Reid

Friday, 26 January 2007

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Those damned apostalythticalities

British Home Secretary John Reid has come under fire once more today, as the row over jailing dangerous criminals intensifies.

Today though, it was not his judgement that was in question, so much as his knowledge of the English language. Mr Reid was a History student at Stirling University and, although he has held a number of ministerial posts, he has never had to fill in an application form, giving rise to speculation that he cannot read or write properly.

Mr Reid has said things recently that lead experts to wonder whether he has a full understanding of what he is on about.

One example was this week when he spoke about "trombapulation" and "apostalythticalities" when explaining to ministers why he let a child sex monster get out of jail free.

Dr Richard Cleverclogs, of the British Speaking Properly Council, said, "When we asked Mr Reid to explain 'illegal immigrant', it got a bit tricky. He thought 'immigrant' was the way a Black Country resident would say "Him? He grunts". The word 'illegal', said Mr Reid, meant 'an eagle that wasn't very well'. There were several instances of misunderstanding which led us to believe that, in the real world, Mr Reid wouldn't be able to hold down a job stacking shelves in Tesco."

No one from the government was available for comment, as all ministers were searching internet porn sites.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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