Armed police closed off areas of Hackney today, after a man talked to his neighbour sparking off a major security alert. The man, Den Macintosh who got away, is thought to have visited several shops, buying FHM in one, and a pint of milk in the other, before saying, 'good morning' to his neighbour, frail Carsy Standstill.
'He's no right endearing himself to defenceless old ladies while reading dirty mags like that. It's disgusting. I jumped right out of my skin I did. Don't he know no manners?'
Armed police were put on tube trains, mainline stations, and airports, to shoot anyone in case Macintosh tried to escape by car. Later, after a tip-off, they constructed road blocks, but to no avail. John Reid will be asked to resign over the failure to apprehend the man who's probably somewhere else reading this right now.
The Minister for Prison Ships, Professor Salty Morgan, said: 'This is just the sort of vile evil fiend who deserves to be behind Dickensian bars, and we let him get away. I'm resigning over the whole affair. Our prisons are full of harmless artful dodger types who've done little more than pick a pocket or two, and we were all kids once. Yet a monster like this can roam free. This incident is at the heart of what kind of society we want to be.'
If you see dirty Den Macintosh, do not approach him. He is a dangerous perv who preys on defenceless people, although in appearance, he looks like a sad old man reading FHM.
We say he deserves a bigger prison, preferably one where they throw away the key for ever and ever amen.