Last night, 'The Spoof's' top writer, Breeze, spoke with 'pig faced nazi', Jade Goody. In an exclusive interview she opened her heart, and revealed details of what really went on in the Big Brother house.
Breeze - Jade, thank you for granting me this interview. I know this must be a trying time for you.
Jade - Oh my Ghaad. Iss a wossit, innit? A tapestry of justise, innit!
Breeze - A travesty?
Jade - Oh my Ghad, yeah. A trapestry.
Breeze - So you don't believe that the comments you made, could be in any way, construed as racist?
Jade - Wot's comstrewed mean?
Breeze - 'Interpreted as', 'taken to mean'.
Jade - 'Oh my Ghad, I neva said nuffink abhaat Sherrpa, nuffink! It's ahll been blhaan outa propor...proper...it's ahll bin made really big, innit. By the faaackin' press 'an that.
Breeze - But what about calling her Shilpa Poppadom?
Jade - I neva called 'er Shilpa Poppadom, NEVA!!! I called 'er Sherppa faaackin' Poppadom!
Breeze - You didn't think that could cause offence?
Jade - Well, I didnt knaaw a pompadum was a Pakistamana biscuit. I fought it wuz a dog *giggle*
Breeze - How did you get on with the other housemates?
Jade - Jo 'an Danielle wuz a raaaght laff, innit. Danielle wuz well funny. Me 'an 'er 'ad a faaarttin' compatishin 'an she shat 'erself, all over Dirk's bed. She's shagging that footballer, Terry Sheddingham, she's well classy, wears knickers 'an everyfink. 'An Jo wuz wicked, a real laff. Like that Oscar geeza'... that poof.
Breeze - Oscar Wilde?
Jade - Yeah, 'im, she's well funny. On the last night she pissed in Dirk's slippas. It wuz well witty, innit.
Breeze - Do you think you've learned anything from your time in the Big Brother house, Jade?
Jade - I've learnt not to say nuffink racialist abhaat them darkies. They're well stroppy, innit?
Breeze - How do you feel about being called a 'pig faced nazi'?
Jade - But I'm not NAZI!! I'm nice. I've neva bin nazi nor nuffink to nobhaady, NEVA.
Breeze - Thank you Jade, you bubbleheaded fuckwit.
Jade - 'Fanks......can I have the cash naaw?