Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 24 January 2007

image for Litvinenko Death Was A Case Of Mistaken Identity

It has emerged that the death of ex-Russian agent Alexander Litvinenko may have been a case of mistaken identity. The startling revelation appeared in Italian magazine, La Crappa, and is thought to be supported by unidentified sources inside Russia.

The intended target, says the magazine, was none other than likeable pop star Paul McCartney, who bore a striking resemblance to Litivinenko before the Russian started taking Thallium.

McCartney, the nicest man in Liverpool and also the richest, once had a hit record with "Back In The USSR", and it is this song, thought to have been an embarrassment to the Kremlin, that made him a "marked man".

A KGB agent, Colonel Kleb, told how a stringent and exhaustive recruitment and selection process threw up Olga Peglegova as a perfect operative for field work. She was given the alter-ego "Heather Mills" and sent to England to kill Mr McCartney.

In her first attempt to murder the ex-Beatle, however, her leg was lost in a chainsaw accident, and bizarrely, the two ended up getting married. She briefly shelved her plot to kill, but rehatched it again when Sir Paul refused to varnish her wooden leg.

Having obtained a quantity of Thallium through another agent, Arsenal midfielder Alexander Hleb, she again baulked at the idea of killing the left-handed Scouser, and Hleb, himself, took on the task.

He posed as a record producer, and set up a meeting with McCartney at the Itsu Sushi bar in Piccadilly in November.

Also there, was Alexander Litvinenko, and after a straightforward case of mistaken identity, the latter ended up in hospital, rather the worse for wear.

McCartney, disappointed that the "producer" hadn't shown, finished his beans on toast, and left.

He is currently thought to be in hiding somewhere in Scotland under the anagrammatical pseudonym Len ov Kintia.

Comrade Peglegova is still looking to "take him to the cleaners".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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