In scenes more suited to the fictional Big Brother household, Tony Blair, was last night seized by police after staggering out of 10 Downing Street carrying a lager can, wearing a Beckham shirt, and shouting racist abuse at his neighbour, Gordon Brown. Using language more suited to the fictional TV character Frank Gallagher, played by Shakespearean actor, Kieran Knightley, Tony Blair preceded to berate his neighbour at 2 am with his alternative vision of Britain before being seized by police and bundled inside.
Near neighbour, Mr. Hugh Craving-Power, wearing dark glasses and clip-on beard, said:
'What ho! The man was obviously inebriated, and chanting passionately. Poor soul. He seems to have a very high regard for a certain Mr. Beckham, saying he was following in the fellow's footsteps taking the US dollar, what? Ha-ha! You know. The target of his angst was a certain Mr. Brown. Don't tell him I told you. Toodle-pip.'
A hastily knocked together transcript of Mr. Blair's speech based on hearsay, gossip and downright malicious speculation reveals Mr. Blair's plans are to tour America with the girl band LA Galaxy.
'And another thing, you don't know real class when you see it,' said a wild-eyed Blair, allegedly. 'Take that Beckham. He got it. Loads of it, like me, and what have you got. Eh? Eh? You know, people like you, you're all the same.'
Mr. Blair was seen to throw a lager can at his neighbour's bedroom window before bursting into tears.
'Come out, Brown, you haggis face.'
Sainsbury's, Tescos, and Waitrose have reacted by withdrawing stocks of haggis, neeps and tatties amidst fears of protests across Scotland.
In a statement issued by Downing Street today, Mr. Blair said he was tired and emotional and taking medication for influenza. This had reacted badly with Polonium accidentally administered while playing no limits Poker with good friend Vladimir Putin in a scene reminiscent of every Bond film.