London - (ReUterus): The Acting Coroner in charge of Princess Diana's much delayed inquest has ordered the exhumation of her body as a vital part of a police TV re-construction into her fatal funeral and burial.
Dame Elizabeth Butler-Sloshed says that without a full-blown Crimebotch televised investigation into the cortege and internment arrangements there is no prospect of any of the guilty parties ever milking the legendary diva's memory beyond one measly Hyde Park gig and fetid Memorial Fountain commemoration service.
The news comes as a shock to ageing Osteoporosis division members of the Ancient American Order of the Skull 'N' Bones who had ringside seats in Westminster Abbey and later at the Buck House wake on that baleful September 1997 day.
In particular George Bush Senior who has started legal proceedings to erase any surviving TV footage of him hobnobbing in the Upper Circle of the Abbey with UK Prime Monster Harold Wilson's former fixer Lady Forkbender and Mohammed Fired, chief Attention Deficit Organiser of the event and subsequent royal murder accuser.
But Butler-Sloshed is adamant that without an exact replica of the entire event - from the moment that an RAF Hercules helicopter carried Diana's standard-draped coffin to Orly Airport, through the official lying-and-cheating-in-state at St James's Palace, the floral hysteria pandemic outside Kensington Palace, the opening of the Condoleezza Rice Condolence Book and the half-mast lowering of standards in the Buckingham Palace flag-pole - no proper inquest has a reasonable chance of bringing closure to one of the darkest days in the hystery of the UK Hellfire Club's finest moment.
Negotiations are under way for professional actors to participate in the Crimebotch reconstruction with Helen Mirren taking the lead role of the Queen, Kazakhstani actor Mr Borat playing UK Prime Monster Tony Blair, Russell Crowe impersonating grieving widower Charles and Barry Humphreys in the cameo role of Mrs Thatcher.
A full update on the cast-list will follow shortly.