A disturbing new report by the home office has been leaked to the press in which it is revealed that British prisoners are masturbating up to five times a day. This is the latest revelation to rock the home office, described be weasel John Reid last year as "not fit for purpose."
The report exposes this breech in decency and righteousness as not just a transient problem but something the prison service has been trying to get to grips with for years.
Shadow Home Secretary David Davis is demanding a full enquiry; on MP's question time last night he remarked, "what sort of punishment is that? You do the crime you do the time, masturbation is no deterrent." Former Home Secretary David Blunkett who himself became visually impaired as a result of masturbation commissioned the report in 2001.
Some measures suggested to curb this immoral behaviour are compulsory posters of Camilla Parker Bowles in every cell, laser sensors to detect rapid movement and lengthier sentences for those transgressors caught in the act.
The report, "masturbation in HM Prisons" will be formally published in March.