Veteran chat show host Michael Parkinson was last night said to be "bearing up" after contracting the bacterial infection Escherichia coli. Sycophant Parkinson is thought to have picked up the infection from a piece of faecal matter caught in his teeth when interviewing the nauseating Sharon Osbourne. However, experts cannot rule out that the faecal matter may have come from talentless pop parasite Robbie William's anus who Parkinson had interviewed earlier that day.
Tributes have poured in for the mealy mouthed chat show host, who over the years has complimented thousands of banal and deluded narcissists in the name of entertainment. George Michael took half an hour from his busy schedule of cottaging to pay homage to Parkinson, "Michael's true talent was that he seemed so genuine in his toadying, when he told you how talented or handsome you were you genuinely believed it? I really hope he pulls through."
Escherichia coli, or E-Coli as it's known to non-scientist, is commonly found in Scottish Pies and faeces. Although not always fatal it does cause severe and bloody diarrhoea along with fever and stomach cramps. Jamie Oliver, who is keeping a bed side vigil, made the following statement last night "Michael's not out of the woods yet, he's in a lot of discomfort and finding it really hard to get his sentences out. He did manage to groan some compliments to me but I had to get him to repeat himself a couple of times."
Provided he pulls through, Parkinson should be returning to our screens next winter.