London - (ReUterus): Kate Middleton has unceremoniously dumped the Pretender's son William after his intimate videos of them admiring each other's family jewels found their way onto an army officer's mess porno website accessed via PayPal.
"It's over", said a friend as Kate packed her bags and headed for the airport, clutching a hanky and looking decidedly sombre.
Meanwhile back at the barracks William was fuming with frustration as brother Harry organised a hit squad to scour the ranks for whoever perpetrated the cunning wheeze that has cost Will so much free publicity and heterosexual kudos in the world's press.
Sources close to the website's moderators admitted today that they had been inundated with over a hundred thousand hits a day ever since the footage was posted. And that attempts to delete the video had merely resulted in a virus pop-up infiltrating the site castigating MoD geeks for years of technical incompetence.
A few frames of the footage can still be seen without charge at controversial boyfriend-dumping site MyExSpace.com.