London - (Riotous): As it blazes a trail across the London early evening sky Comet McNaught is playing havoc with the hordes of millennium soothsayers, seers and interpreters of the splayed regal intestines who predicted Hellfire Club glory in 2007 with a magnificent new royal wedding, UK troops home from Iraq and Cherie Blair replacing Kofi Annan in the UN's top job.
The comet's existence was only discovered last year and its trajectory across the House of Mountbatten's natal chart is beginning to ache like an anaesthetic-free DIY vasectomy in certain Blackshirt quarters of the royal household.
When it was first spotted blazing a trail over a wintry Chelsea sunset last week sky-watchers were quick to dismiss warnings that the Met's Serious and Organised Crime Squad (SOCA) was probing Roman Abramovich's nasty little five-a-side scams at Craven Cottage, or that psychotic Cabinet Secretary Tessa Jowl was about to join Lord Haw Haw in the hystery books for her contribution to the Cash-for-Peerages fiasco.
But things look a bit different today as the fiery little blazer sweeps the northern skies and grown men clutch at their family jewels with each tabloid mention of Kate Middleton, Prince William and a royal engagement.
A close inspection of McNaught shows it originated in the arsehole end of the universe near the constellation Serpens the Snake and mopped up all the cosmic crap of nearby Ophicius before heading towards Earth on its dredge and dump mission of the century.
Next weekend as the sun enters the sign of Aquarius the Water Bearer the comet will transit astrological fault lines going back to the 1940 Blitz of London. Some life insurance policies are still available to cope with the event on a means-tested basis but odds of happy ever after for the Mountbatten Fiction Factory are now beyond salvation.
An update will be published early next week.