In a shock statement today, Health Minister, Rosie Winterton disclosed that the government is to slash the financial burden of elderly care by making euthanasia compulsory at the age of 65.
The law, that will come into force early next year, will see hundreds of thousands of pensioners being forced to attend their GP's to be put down.
In her opening statement to the press, Ms Winterton declared, "Pensioners today, have become a substantial burden and drain on financial resources over the whole of the NHS to the point that they can no longer be sustained, and in order to remove the burden, we have decided to have them all wiped out."
Winterton continued, "Up until the age of 65, people have some use, but when they attain the age of 65, they become obsolete and are of no use to society whatsoever. The expected saving to the Health Services is estimated to be within the region of £65bn per year and with having no oldies to drain our over stretched resources, we should be able to cut our £500 million deficit within six months. Some of our NHS doctors have been training in secret with Vets to learn about the process."
Tony Blair fully backed Ms Winterton by stating, "The NHS, pensions and elderly care have been causing the Labour Party severe headaches over the last few years, so we decided to cure three problems in one by just getting rid of pensioners completely."
He continued, "Further savings will be made by closing down every state owned Care and Nursing Home and converting them into super brothels when we decide to legalise prostitution. We will give an amnesty to families to hand over their OAP's and anybody harbouring an OAP after that date will liable to prosecution."
Blair went on to state, "New powers will be given to the Police to apprehend pensioners and they will have the right to search any premises they suspect a pensioner to be hidden. The Police are to be re-issued with rubber bullets because under tests the Taser Gun used on an OAP with a pacemaker caused internal combustion."
He added, "In order to cut down on illegal pensioners in the future, every new born baby will now their date of birth, or their expiry date tattooed on their forehead for identification purposes. When the law comes into force next year, the only exception to the rules will be, any form of immigrant or any fully paid up member of the Labour Party."
Shadow Health Minister, Tim Loughton later stated, "It's pretty obvious that this government is very worried about the mess they have made of NHS finances. What are they thinking about? They should just remove their false teeth and let them starve!"