London - (Ass Mess): Still reeling from disastrous Xmas trading figures and stung by criticism of their excruciatingly embarrassing 'royal engagement' souvenir mugs, high street rubbish peddler Woolworths has hired over one hundred paparazzi to trail flat-chested stick-insect wannabe-royal fiancee Kate Middleton to play up a story that she and the Pretender's son William will soon be a bona fide fixture and reinforce the public's perception of his alleged heterosexual masculinity.
In a series of carefully crafted photo ops, the paparazzi have camped outside La Middleton's west London pad and snapped her wearing a collection of absolutely hideous high street tat from Top Shop and Etam while she strolls casually on her way to work (sic).
And in a further development Woolworths is rumored to have also hired over a thousand moronic ITV-watching retards and paid them to write in to the tabloid press, speculating on the prospects of yet another 'fairytale' royal wedding in the summer. But the odds of that happening remain low.
William is balding, hook-nosed twat with a face like a road-kill wombat and talks as if a foreign body is permanently lodged inside his cheek. Apart from that he is also the changeling bastard spawned from Heather Mills's loins and implanted into the House of Mountbatten cuckoo nest after Charles accidentally fatally shot the original William when the brat was a mere toddler.
Some royal fairy story then.
Let's hope the silly moo who has been hired by the Hellfire Club to act as official girlfriend at least gets the sponsorship deal she deserves and dumps High Street laughing stock Woolworths before it is too late.