It was announced today that scientists working closely with the NHS have developed a hand held scanner that detects the super bug MRSA. The gadget, which has been in development for two years, is to be officially called the "Bugger".
Speaking from Downing Street this morning, Health Minister Patricia Hewitt announced, "After two years in development and at a cost of £25 million, we are delighted to announce that there has been a major breakthrough in diagnosing the bug MRSA and numerous other illnesses with the "Bugger".
She went on to say, "The hand held Bugger will soon be made available to the whole of the NHS and when set on sensitive, can diagnose minor ailments from Athletes Foot to the common cold. The sensitivity surprised us when it identified that Gordon Brown had in fact three brain cells instead of the commonly believed two. The Bugger is a fantastic development and I hope that in the future, this technology should be available to everyone so they can go and Bugger themselves before attending hospital."
Speaking at the same press conference, Tony Blair stated, "This Bugger is a marvellous breakthrough and I am making it my mission to Bugger the whole of the NHS by the end of the year. Any patient attending an NHS hospital will be Buggered as they walk in the door and will be given a certificate to say they have been officially Buggered by the NHS."
When asked to comment on the source of the funds used for the development of the Bugger, he stated, "We decided to mothball an extra aircraft carrier to pay for it and with the little left over we decided to buy the Royal Navy a canoe as a replacement."
When the question was put to Blair if he thought the Navy would be upset over this prospect, he replied, "They should be delighted because it means we now have the resources to go ahead and Bugger them as well. In fact this government has committed to make sure that the whole of the armed forces will be Buggered within the next two years."
He continued, "This gadget has enormous potential. I've been trying it out over the last few days. I Buggered the maid this morning and she was delighted that she hardly felt a thing and was in very good health apart from a boil on her right buttock. My wife has been feeling a bit peaky since we came back from holiday, so it my intention when she arrives home from work to check and see if she has picked up any bug on holiday by giving her a good thorough Buggering."
In his closing statement to the press, Blair stated, "This government will go down in history and be remembered as the only government that, within the same term of office, completely Buggered both the NHS and the UK Armed Forces."