A comprehensive Headmaster, Mr Bob Slither, yesterday condemned the decision by Former Education Secretary Ruth Kelly to send her child to a public school.
"This is Labour hypocrisy at it's worst." he told us, "Here at Shit Street Comprehensive we have an excellent provision for all sort's of dopey and hopeless fuckwits."
Mr Slither spoke to journalists yesterday in a bid to raise public awareness about state schools' provision for special educational needs.
"We have many programs running in the school for those dumbasses that can't spell or behave normally," he told us. "We have classes specialising in sweeping up and cleaning toilets and links with Chipperfield's Circus and a major fast food outlet to provide a career when they leave school."
Showing journalists round the crumbling, Victorian buildings, Mr Slither pointed out, "If the Labour Government pumped more money into schools like this we could afford more comfortable cages for the kids and not have to feed them sawdust."
As we walked across the playground, we spotted a small urchin with a wooden leg and an eyepatch, struggling with a large pail of water.
"That's little Timmy," smiled Bob," When he came to us last year he couldn't spell his own name or count to five. He still can't... he's an idiot, so we let him wash the teachers' cars and brush up occasionally."
Showing us the a dingy Technology workshop, where row upon row of confused looking morons sat stitching mailbags, Bob told us, "Most of them will end up in prison or in an institute when they leave here so we try to give them the skills they need to survive."
In the Home Economics department we watched as befuddled youngsters washed dishes and did the staff laundry. "We had to put washing machines and spin driers in," said Bob,"after one of the little bastards got himself caught in a mangle."
After the tour, Bob took us to the staff common room, complete with a state of the art bar and 50" plasma TV.
"We do our best for them," sighed Bob, relaxing on a luxury leather suite and sipping a large glass of Remy Martin, "But it's a thankless task. Most of them are broke and if it weren't the fact that we can sell their organs in South America, I don't know what we'd do to survive."