Written by Captain Dopey
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Topics: Environment, Green

Tuesday, 9 January 2007

image for Government Unveils 'Beat Generation' Green Proposals
Enthusiastic voters dancing at the last General Election

The government has put radical new "hep-cat" proposals forward in an effort to urge more people to "go green". After meeting building industry leaders, Minister for Housing and MFI Flat-pack Shelves Yvette Cooper said that she plans to bring together representatives from government, environmental groups, actually "mental" groups and industry, in an effort to ensure new homes are more energy efficient, affordable and made from stuff found in skips.

The Home Builders Federation, during their annual conference in a building teetering dangerously over the edge of a cliff in Cornwall, said the talks were a "robust, ambitious, dynamic, powerful, optimistic, positive and vigorous start", but that "much more talking of an influential, forward-looking, motivated, forceful and spirited nature" was needed before "we do anything".

Amongst the proposals are a drive to encourage homeowners to burn their own wallpaper in an effort to reduce fuel bills; the use of camels in place of four-wheel drive cars and asking professors to invent miraculous new modes of propulsion (and perhaps some form of Atomic Shoe), thereby saving the exchequer billions.

Leader of the British Union of Boffins and Eggheads, Professor Zodiac J Fermions, said that the talks were "a positive step forward". This position was endorsed by his opposite number from the Union of Women Prophets, Seers and Sages Dr Marcie Bolan: "This is a positive step forward in a very non-negative way".

It has been estimated that the burning of wallpaper could generate enough carbon dioxide to make three blocks of dry ice, which could then be used for cooling the Earth and avoiding global warming. "If each one of us saved the carbon dioxide from our cigarettes in a pressurised container", said Dr Bolan, "we could save an entire flock of insects in the Amazon from extinction".

Spurs manager Brezhnev Topologies was unavailable for comment, a representative said.

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