London - (Ass Mess): The First Battalion of the Black Watch Beetle will be on armed patrol outside the Royal Courts of Justice on Monday for the inquest into the death of Diana, Temptress of Wales, amid rumors that her Machiavellian secret life will be exposed and compared to the 15th century Vatican whore Lucrezia Borgia.
The precautionary measure of sending in the Death Watch Beetle Regiment was requested by acting coroner Dame Elizabeth Butler-Sloshed after thinly veiled death threats from Mohammed Fired and Paul Burrell who feel they have not milked the Diana conspiracy industry sufficiently to secure a reasonable retirement in the future.
Dame Elizabeth has special powers to invoke the Riot Act if proceedings get a bit lively and to put any unruly miscreants into the stocks outside Traitors Gate where special Royal By-Laws decree they can be pelted liberally with horse manure, spud-u-like or surviving copies of the Hutton Report.
A few audience seats are still available for the hearing which has been ring-fenced by the Blair Administration to exclude any actual bona fide car crash witnesses from testifying on the grounds that it could spoil the possibility of yet another House of Mountbatten total whitewash and subsequent new royal wedding.
A live web-cast of the proceedings will be shown on the internet.