In his speech to an audience at the Bakewell Tart Inn off the M6 yesterday, Chancellor Gordon Brown outlined new tax measures designed to protect Civil Service pensions and benefits.
After contorting his chin and briefly holding his mouth open, the Chancellor informed his audience of pissed up salesmen, sleeping business men and some academics that
"...the economy is growing still thanks to me and this Government. But to continue that growth we need more money stuffed into public services like Minister's pension funds, MPs benefits, slush funds and all that good stuff."
As many slept, Brown once again performed his strange rictus ritual then continued
"At this year's budget I shall be announcing that the Government intends to take it all. Everything. Anything anyone earns, we are going to have at it. 100%".
Brown also announced that there will be changes to certain Tax bodies and schemes. For example, PAYE (Pay as you Earn) will be rebranded and known as P (Pay). National insurance will be scrapped and all contributions will be made to the P scheme as will road tax, TV licence, Death Duty and stamp duty.
The public, it seems, will be disqualified from ownership of anything.
"You people can't be trusted with things and we've run everything so well that its time you handed everything over to us. We'll look after it for you and just consider it to be in trust. It's time for prudence."
We asked one Jake Mercedes, a Sales Manager from Dorset what he thought of Brown's announcements
"Wha.. uh.. what happened. Who is he? [sniff] I need to get on the road, sorry."
Creepy Brown denied that the country was sleepwalking into a dictatorship and maintained that democracy was alive and well and all the tax changes where probably somewhere in the revised manifesto.