Written by Matt Linehan
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Tuesday, 2 January 2007

image for New Taxes to Hit Guzzlers Where it Hurts
You Breathe? You Pay

The Treasury announced today that it intends to impose a raft of new taxes to fight global warming.

Hardest hit will be those that breathe a lot and fat people.

A Treasury spokesman explained:

"Fat people are a real problem. Because they belch and ... well... to put it bluntly fart a lot they are contributing far more green house gases into the environment than those with a more average build".

Also hit will be those that breathe a lot.

"People that breathe more than average are expelling far more of the lethal Carbon Dioxide gas than others and quite frankly its not fair. They should pay their way."

The Treasury and the Home Office are both in talks with Intrusive Devices PLC who are to come up with a small white box to monitor body gasses emitted and breathing rate and will charge an appropriate fee automatically based on a monthly average.

Environmentalists were outraged.

"This is totally unfair. Environmentalists are very active and have some of the highest breathing rates in the country" said Elwina Mudlover

Human Rights Watch do gooders were also enraged.

"This is a clear breach of our rights as humans. I'm enraged. Grrrrrrr" said Simon Smarmy from their Press Department.

Another Government spokesman said

"This is great news for the taxpaying public. For too long the prudent in society have been penalised for the over indulgence of others. Now if you live a healthy lifestyle your O2G meter charge will be low and those great big people taking big fat lungfulls of air will be paying their way".

The Spoof investigated this further and the figures seem to add up. Vulnerable members of society like the old or sick do indeed breath less so would be paying less. Asthmatics for example may seem to breath as much as you or I but in reality their lung capacity is severely reduced.

The only anomaly is those taking their dying breath which is well known to be long and drawn out. Gordon Brown said he would be making no provisions for those with long final breaths and they would have to pay their way like everyone else.

Due to the amount of huffing and puffing and hot air required in Parliament, MPs and ministers will be exempt from the proposals and could continue to exhale, belch and fart with no further tax implications.

"To have healthy debate it is important that Ministers and representatives can talk, eat and grow obese without fear of financial penalty" Mr Brown told The Spoof exclusively.

That fat joker John Prescott was also seen to laugh and guffaw just over slimey Gordon Brown's shoulder though we didn't bother to ask him his opinion.

Business leaders said it would effect the economy and tax lawyers are already looking for loopholes for the rich and privileged. Engineers are already said to be drawing up plans for a massive tube to breath in air from off shore sites. Entrepreneurs are looking at an Off Shore air delivery system venture for rich fat people. Various methods of delivery have been discussed including air cannisters and an inflatable frog device.

The Government denied that this was just a cynical ploy to raise taxes and cash in on the end of the world.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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