Sandringham, Norfolk - (Ass Mess): Paramedics have rushed to Sandringham House after the royal butler dialled 999 and said the Queen had had a heart attack. The coronary happened shortly HM was told Michael Jackson had arrived unexpectedly demanding political asylum from creditors threatening to auction incriminating billets doux written by William and Harry confirming their July 1998 invitations to a little royal sleepover party at the singer's pad in Wacko, Texarse.
The Queen was taken immediately by ambulance to the nearest A&E where her condition was diagnosed as beyond a joke.
Police immediately cordoned off the royal residence and sent in a sniper team to surround the building after Jackson barricaded himself behind the heavy oak portals of the Himmler Memorial Wing and threatened to post the correspondence himself on his dedicated website unless all his $100 million mortgage commitments on the Neverneverland Ranch were settled immediately by the UK government. For an additional Life Peerage gong in the New Year's honors he would consider playing a one-off concert at Buckingham Palace next summer.
HM's conditions remains farcical and Prime Monster Tony Blair has been ordered home immediately in view of the deepening constitutional crisis.