Prime Minister Tony Blair was sensationally unveiled today as the new member of squeaky-voiced disco icons the Bee Gees. As he arrived for his well-publicised holiday at Robin Gibb's luxury Florida mansion, few commentators realised the true reason for his visit: To finalise his appointment as a full-time replacement for the late, lamented Maurice.
The political furore over whether he paid for his stay at the luxury Miami Beach pad has therefore been exposed as a clever smokescreen of spin. As opponents queue up to label him a jug-eared freeloader, Blair has been quietly perfecting the Seventies super-group's entire back catalogue on synthesiser and rhythm guitar.
"Tony first approached me just after Maurice died," the freaky looking, beardless Robin confided. "He was very nervous about it - wondering whether it was appropriate or not. I just told him to stop worrying, get his teeth sorted and invest in a new wardrobe of garish suits, black polonecks and trilbies. As long as he gets the whiskers right and keeps schtum in interviews, I doubt anyone will be able to tell the difference."
Blair's wife Cherie also let slip that the PM's much vaunted fondness for rock and roll bands such as the Who and the Rolling Stones was little more than a hollow charade. "It's always been disco," she said from her poolside sun-lounger. "We were courting when Saturday Night Fever first came out and he picked me up for a dinner date wearing one of those revolting white suits. I nearly told him where to go there and then."
Blair's sudden career move throws Britain and the Labour party into short-term crisis. Likely successor Gordon Brown cannot take power without an official leadership contest, so while Tony is crooning "Jive Talkin'" in an eerie falsetto to packed-out stadiums, the reins will automatically pass to Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott.
Mr Prescott declared himself "delighted" at the news and immediately inaugurated Noddy Holder, Rod Stewart and Ozzy Osborne into his first Cabinet.