The Samaritans are reporting record numbers of calls to their service on Christmas night, following the spate of deaths and miserable storylines in the UK's soaps.
A spokesman for the charity told The Spoof:
"That bloke King got his comeuppance in Emmerdale, Pauline's gone west in Eastenders and although nobody died in Corrie, there was a montage at the end showing misery on top of misery on top of misery. This played out rather bizarrely against Queen's 'Somebody to Love'. After all that our phones were red-hot I can tell you"
A TV insider told us:
"That's what people want on their screens on this the happiest day of the year. Death and misery! That's the ticket and quite honestly we've toned it down a bit in the face of complaints in the past"
Gone, it seems, are the happy shows of days gone by, like Morecambe and Wise and Del Boy, and now all we can look forward to are doom and gloom everywhere.
It's believed that loveable Geordie duo, Ant and Dec, had a show in the can that was high on the feel good factor but according to Dec, "It wasn't picked up because nobody died in it, like man pet"