Written by Duff
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Saturday, 23 December 2006

image for Botham Slams Sorry Santa
Slammed, Blasted and Hammered!

Ian 'Beefy' Botham has today accused Santa of being nothing more than an old fat bloke dressed up in a red outfit with a fake big white beard.

In an astonishing outburst the former darling of the creases:

Slammed Santa as being a fictional character.

Blasted Him as a penny-pinching spiv who only gave out cheap presents not worth anything at all

and...

Hammered The much loved favourite as a figure who ruins kids lives round about when they get to 8 or 9 and realise that he is not in fact real. A clearly raging Beefy told The Spoof:

"I took my little 'uns down his grotto and paid £10 a skull for the privilege. Some old guy smelling of piss and whisky then gives them a poxy half-knackered toy worth about 2 quid and lets them sit on his knee. His bloody beard was coming off! You could see the elastic for fuck's sake!"

'Beefy' then stormed off chinning an elf as he left and we believe that he then went down his favourite curry house and ordered the hottest phal imaginable, before rolling home at 4.30 am steamed to the gills.

Bob Cobblers, who was the Santa in question, told The Spoof:

"At first I thought that meeting a sporting legend was going to be fantastic but in the end he was a right piece of work and I didn't enjoy it at all" before adding" Oh yeah! And I certainly didn't smell of whisky!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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