Written by Breeze
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Wednesday, 20 December 2006

image for Paul Burrell to be publicly stretched
This steam-powered victorian machine has been adapted specially for the task

The Queen announced today that Princess Diana's former butler and celebrity kangaroo testicle muncher, Paul Burrell, will be publicly stretched in the centre of London.

This will be the first public stretching since 1328, when Manchester rat catcher John Carbuncle, buttered and bared his buttocks to the King, a protest against the unpopular chicken taxation of the same year.

The move comes after Burrell was convicted at the High Court of being 'smarmy and a bit shifty'.

Mr Burrell was rearrested at his home on Monday and police are examining several items found there, including a £500,000 late victorian tea set which the former butler claims he got 'down the jumble' and a priceless De Vinci painting he got 'off the rag and bone man' in return for a pair of tennis shoes.

Other items of interest to the police are a solid gold toilet seat which Mr Burrell 'found' when walking his dog and an early Caravaggio painting that he 'bought off a guy in the pub' after saving up all his giros.

The stretching will be televised live on ITV2 at 9.30 p.m. Saturday night, just after the X Factor final.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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