It's a long way to Tipperary or so goes the song and it's also a long time since Private Stanley Sprouts has seen blighty. But all that could be about to change and Stanley could be enjoying his first proper Christmas dinner in six decades next week at his family home in Peckham.
The old soldier was recently discovered at a railway station in Germany seemingly unaware that the war had finished.
The Spoof can exclusively report that when found, Stan (81) was still using a 62 year old tea bag dipped in tepid rain water for his daily cuppa and drawing attention to himself by continually pulling his coat lapels up around his ears and looking up and down the platform in a ridiculously furtive manner.
During his time in hiding under the waiting room floor boards, it seems that he's managed to keep a diary of his experiences using thousands of discarded rail tickets and matchsticks dipped in ear wax.
All he's said so far is "My turn to dig Sir" and "I can't wait to see the new Basil Rathbone with my Doris when I gets 'ome"
Hollywood moguls are said to be interested in doing his story and indeed Martin Scorsese is tipped to option the rights to Stan's tale.
A Hollywood nursery slope is said to be interested too but it's thought that they won't be able to get the cash together; although an intermediate run is rumoured to be putting a bid together with a black run, so who knows, eh?