Written by Backandtotheleft
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Topics: UK, Court, Swearing

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

David Bellman of Cornwall has been declared to be Britain's "sweariest man" after he was arrested for an outburst directed at a park bench. David currently holds the record for most swear words in a sentence (47) and most curse words said in a minute (1009). Although, controversially, two men in China claim to also hold that record with 1235 swear words said in a minute. David has often disputed this claim and was detained trying to board a flight heading to China to confront the men.

A spokesman outside of court told Back and to the Left news:

David is an innocent man. His outburst was a controlled beam of cuss words aimed directly at a inanimate object. There was no-one else around except him and the park bench. David is deeply upset with his sentence because he feels he's been targeted. He is in training for the International Swearing At Inanimate Objects Tournament in Sweden this year and this sentence could impact on his placing.

Then in a flurry of activity the man himself appeared through the courtroom doors. He wore a cape, no shirt and a top hat. He looked fucking glorious. Looking tired he clearly wanted to get home and out of the persecuting light that shined on him. He said:

Fuckbubbles! It's a Fucking shitty disgrace that I've been arrested. The justice system in this country is a pile of crab infested ball bags trying to seem fucking tough. I'm a fucking athlete in training to be the dam bitch best at fucking swearing in the world. I don't see the fucking filth arresting those two Brownlee cunts if they go for a jog in the fucking part do I?

He kind of had a point. We really should, as a nation, be arresting more people for jogging. Fucking wankers. Do they think their better than us?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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