Written by IainB
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Monday, 11 September 2017

image for Isle of Wight News - family sue 2017 for being too modern
Boys in dresses are confusing if nobody every explains anything to you

A family from Ventnor are trying to sue 2017 for being too modern.

"There's a natural order in the universe," said father of two, Dick Womble. "And that's the order ordained by God."

According to Mr Womble, the invention of indoor plumbing, supermarkets, television and the internet are not in the Bible and therefore ungodly and to be shunned. Whilst the Isle of Wight is still part of Europe Mr Womble will be petitioning the European Courts so that he may sue 2017 for existing.

"Our children have had to share a school with boys who wear dresses," Mr Womble said. "My wife and I are disgusted."

"I'm disgusted," said Mrs Henrietta Womble, "at everything my husband has said."

"Where in the bible does it say that men wear dresses?" Mr Womble demanded. "Apart from the childrens one that shows Jesus and all his diciples in a frock? And all those bishops and popes and vicars in dressers. We blame the internet."

"The internet," said Mrs Womble, "shows us the rest of the world."

According to the Wombles, the Internet lets people see what other people think, and this is obviously a bad thing.

"We should be told what to think by God," said Mr Womble. "Through his intermediaries here on Earth who are just and godly."

The previous three priests that the Wombles preyed with have all been arrested for sexual offences.

The Wombles have cited that all this modernity, especially the realisation that there is more to biology than the Janet and John explanations in High School, is confusing to children brought up solely on a diet of simplified religion.

"Our Book provides all the answers anybody needs," Mr Womble. "As long as they don't have actual questions."

Mr Womble also refuses to admit that there is more than one book, and that the stories within his own book are as likely as those in the comic 2000AD.

"We wish to return to a more holy existence," Mr Womble said. "A time when we didn't have electricity, running water, flushing toilets, schooling, indoor jobs without heavy lifting, women in work and divorce. People have often said that the Isle of Wight is stuck in the fifties, well I don't think that's far enough back, we should be living in pre-Roman times! That was the time when everybody followed the Bible."

Mrs Womble looked at her husband, tutted and left with her bags.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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