Written by Peter Pillox
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Topics: nicola sturgeon

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

image for Nicola Sturgeon, mistaken for a laboratory hamster, was kept in a cage for 2 weeks until dramatically rescued by snatch squad led by Alex Salmond
First Minister shakes hands with her rescuers

News is emerging from a Reuters source that Nicola Sturgeon was mistaken by American health care professionals for a Scottish hamster and was held in a cage for a fortnight until rescued by a crack team of SNP agents.

The confusing reports suggest that the US scientists and doctors unwittingly placed the Scottish First Minister in a 24 inch by 12 inch wire cage and watched her run on a hamster wheel for several days, feeding her little pieces of cheese and taking her temperature using a small pet thermometer.

When she was discovered to be missing, senior members of the Scottish National Party sprang into action, called a meeting of the SNP's RODENT committee (similar to the UK Government's COBRA committee but hairier). They "replaced" her at First Ministers Question Time with a four-foot mop whilst playing YouTube MP3 files of her talking about "bold and courageous initiatives" and "indy referendum 2". Opposition MSPs did not notice she was gone.

Alex Salmond, the former leader of the party and former First Minister, assembled a hand-picked SNP "snatch" squad to recover the asset, selecting party loyalists such as Mhairi Black and Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh, well-known for their uncompromising Scottishness.

The black ops team tracked Sturgeon to a US laboratory in New York, using tiny GPS transmitters implanted into all members of the Scottish government, travelling in two Scottish military helicopters, where they descended using the SAS-style Fast Rope Insertion Extraction System ("FRIES"), burst down the door, tossed a cabre into the room, stunning everyone and rescued the bewildered First Minister, whom they stuffed into a side pocket before fleeing. There were reportedly no casualties, though one security guard suffered a crushed big toe.

Sturgeon is now undergoing debriefing as well as aversion therapy to wean her off seeds and nuts.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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