Professional layabout and turtle's arsehole lookalike Nigel Farage has splashed himself across the press again today by announcing that he is disappointed with the UK's progress towards Brexit. He said that if he had been in charge then by now the UK would be halfway across the Atlantic and mainland Europe would be a smouldering ruin.
"It was the will of the people that we leave," he droned chirpily while swilling a pint. "And the will of the people is not something that comes and goes. A person can no more change his mind than he can change his political party. That's why the Tories always win. Well mostly."
Since the recent general election, there has been pressure for the government to relax its insistence on a "hard Brexit". Leading leave campaigners have raised concerns, including inventor of the toilet powered hand-dryer Sir James "I like sucking machines" Dyson.
Dyson said, "I thought that Brexit would be a land of milk and honey, with everyone getting their hands wet and needing to dry them constantly. But now it turns out that the Belgian Oompa-Loompas who staff my factory all want to go home, so I have no choice but to relocate to Malaysia. Again! Now if you excuse me I need to go home and replace my wife with one of my new sucking robots."
So many Brexiteers are in hiding that Nigel Farage has been complaining that his Brexit gang now just consists of him and his personal friend Dave No-mates. He revealed that he tried to organise a fundraiser for a campaign to get Brexit back on track, but it ended up with the two of them inebriated and singing karoake. A leaked video shows Farage and his chum murdering his favourite song, Serge Gainsbourg's "Je T'aime".
Farage confessed that he was bored of Brexit. "Sometimes I get so sick of it, I just wish it would go away. But then I'd be out of a job."
However, he believed that eventually Brexit would be completed one way or another. "I've only had seven pints, hic, but I'm sure it will happen. It's what Murdoch wants, and it was his idea in the first place! He wants to take back control of the government because he thinks the EU will interfere with his plans."