In an astonishing turnaround former Royal Butler, Paul Burrell, has announced that he intends to stop bumming a living from the memory of lady Di and to go back to butling.
The big scaredy-cat who was seen by millions blubbing at the sight of creepy-crawlies on a TV reality show told The Spoof:
"Enough is enough and even I have some principles. There's only so much you can milk from any given situation and to be honest I think I've hit the wall here"
Prince William commented:
"He was a rock for the Queen of Hearts and we must thank him for that. My mum, on the other hand, couldn't stand the sight of him" before His Highness added sagely:
"Bloody good job he's packed it in 'cos if he was still around when I become King, giving it all that old moody, then I would push for hanging drawing and quartering him at the very least, before sticking his head on a spike in front of Buck House"
The Ace of Spades was not available for comment but the five of diamonds did say:
"Well that's Paul for you. You'd never know what he'd be up to next, he's the joker of the pack quite honestly and will play whatever hand he's dealt"