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Thursday, 8 June 2017

image for Most Brits don't decide who to vote for until the tabloids tell them on election day
Too lazy to think? Just ask your local news outlet to tell you how to vote

A survey of people of voting age in the UK has found that a small majority - 52% - don't pay any attention to the election until polling day itself when they just read the front page of a tabloid newspaper.

Barry Sheen, 37, of Epping Forest is a professional dogger. He admitted that he didn't know who the prime minister was. "It's a woman though, I know that." He said that he picked up a copy of the Sun on June the 8th and saw that it told him to vote Conservative so he did. "That other feller is a Marxist nutter, isn't he? I wouldn't know. What's Marxism?"

Gertrude Ear-Trumpet, 87, of Worthing is a retired taxidermist. She hasn't left the house in 50 years, and has voted according to the Daily Mail for the same amount of time. "I can't abide other people," she confessed. "With their queer appearance and different voting intentions, they should all be shot."

It is a unique state of affairs for a wealthy developed country. No other state in Europe has voters so heavily influenced by tabloid rage. Bile-spouting owners of The Sun and The Daily Mail, Rupert Murdoch and Paul Dacre - collectively known as RuPaul - have between them a total readership of 6 million. That is impressive, especially in this internet era. Politicians have even suggested scrapping universal suffrage and simply asking RuPaul who the next PM should be.

Another avid tabloid reader, Geoff Brick, is a 42-year old taxi driver from London. He wasn't too concerned about voting without thinking. He said, "I've never met Rupert Whats-his-face, but as a multimillionaire newspaper owner with a history of influencing politicians, I'm sure he's got all of our best interests at heart."

Make Sir Geoffroy Cockface's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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