Written by Dee Batable
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Friday, 2 June 2017

image for The real reason Diane Abbott "Misspoke"
Human catapaults to be built along UK coastline

Having "misspoke" about the cost of Labour's pledge to provide 10,000 extra police officers for England and Wales, Shadow home secretary Diane Abbott has exclusively revealed that the true reason for the gaff, was due to the formulation of a new police funding initiative.

Her enterprising policy would fund all the extra manpower and drastically reduce the prison population all at ZERO COST to the taxpayer!

"It was too late for my ingenious idea to be included in the Labour manifesto", she exclusively reveals, "but, because it was fresh in mind, this was the reason that I 'misspoke.

"In fact, under the circumstances I think that I should be lauded not lampooned for my little mistake."

The solution is, she reveals, a very simplistic one.

"My Idea is to establish a monthly Nationwide Raffle which offers 'the many' a chance to dispose of the few. This is achieved by launching them on a one-way journey into the sea from purpose-built catapults sited on cliff tops all along the coastline.

"A lot of those behind bars are beyond redemption and are a costly burden on the taxpayer.

"There are also many law-abiding citizens who not only believe that these unlawful characters deserve to be gone but who would willingly pull the lever to facilitate the launch.

"My initiative will make this a reality, and as home secretary I would introduce a second state-franchised lottery called the National Toppery, and all profits will go to police funding.

"With each ticket purchased comes the chance to name the wrongdoer and perform the launch.

"So,the one with the most nominations wins, but loses, it you get my drift.

"I estimate that this will produce at least a trillion pounds and if response is as overwhelming as I have estimated, that figure could increase and go into the billions, eventually making our police forces entirely self-funding.

"There are those who will probably say that this is a very right wing policy and that my principals have changed!

"My reply to them is, be it left or right, I've not changed,I've winged it all my life!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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