Written by humanoid
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Wednesday, 10 May 2017

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Elite Space Cadet members past and present.

Space news- Richard Simmons says he joined the few, the proud and the brave of NUTS, New Ultimate Test Subjects.

"Ever since I can remember, the desire to join this group of elite people has set me apart from society," states Simmons.

NUTS is an organization that collects funds to train dedicated astronautical recruits who have aspersions of colonising other worlds.

The organization has released the secretly coded names of its Space Cadet Academy Award honorees. The Award is given to Masters of the Academy who excelled at a grueling astronaut training camp by living a whole year in a biosphere situated in the Sahara desert.

Recycled sweat was used to run a drinking fountain as the only source of water. Cooking fuel was made of dry feces that burned with the efficiency of coal.

The nominees are as follows in secret code, Richard the Big Tuna Visionary, Ricky Sardines, Elton the Mandigo Dreamer, and Caitlyn the Fish Burger Supreme.

This year's award recipients will join an impressive list of men who have distinguished themselves by drawing upon their courage to become successful Space Cadets in their endeavours to conquer space.

There is a history behind the award ceremony:

A person who appears to be in his or her own world or out of touch with reality is considered a dope by the standards of the Crown who used male troops as Ginnie Pigs by testing LSD on them to see if they would rush the front line, hence the name Space Cadet.

Ladies being of a noble breed, were spared the ordeal.

The vision of the organization:

The NUTS organization wants to launch a million people to Mars in the event some apocalyptic disaster eventually ruins Earth. And they expect it to be somewhat expensive - one trillion dollars or more per person.

The ex-president of NUTS, Michael Jackson, left his main directives in a manifesto for the organization to follow. The manifesto gives plans to colonize Mars with Interplanetary Transport System of rockets, spaceships, fuel pods, and other crucial components that will get the job done. Still, the full presentation at the International Astronomical Congress in Guadalajara, Mexico, barely scratched the surface.

"If you are unprotected on Mars your blood would boil, even at ambient temperature," said planetary scientist Aurthur Ashe, who's based at NASA's Ames Research Center

"All the gases that are dissolved in your bloodstream turn into bubbles."Like popping a can of Coke, you would fizz into heaven faster than anything else," Ashe said. "And that's within seconds." So low atmospheric pressure is a hazard for an unprotected Mars explorer.

Ashe advices the organization to use genetic engineering to condition plants and animals to survive harsh conditions on Mars. Plants can be genetically engineered to produce water and oxygen that is released to produce an atmosphere.

A new type of grass will cover the Martian landscape and rivers of water will fill an ocean.

Small animals will have a steady food supply by eating the plants, as they further evolve on Mars.

When humans arrive on the planet, the air pressure and radiation will be more stable.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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