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Topics: Russia, tabloid

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

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The Daily Scum has for years been providing a regular dose of hatred for its readers, firing them up with a loathing of Johnny Foreigner and Julian Peculiar. But an investigation by TheSpoof has uncovered a shocking truth - it is actually run by Russian operatives, and has been for decades.

Editor Gary Kent appears to be a cheeky, beer-swilling, wife-slapping, no-nonsense thug like most of his colleagues. However, behind his sinister bald slaphead lies a brain of uncalculable evil. He was born Vladimir Geremov in a derelict tank farm in Tomsk, Russia and has spent most of his life trying to undermine the West through cleverly subversive news releases.

"It is simple," said Gary to a hidden microphone. "The USSR only pretended to lose the Cold War. That way, the West stopped fighting. But we didn't stop. We continue the fight every day. And now we sap the will of the people by bombarding them with cynical hate-filled nonsense every day. It's even worse than Russian propaganda. Stories about how Western democracy is useless, all politicians are dumb, celebrities are dumb, and the people are dumbest of all. It is undermining the whole country."

TheSpoof attempted to contact the newspaper's millionaire owner Geoff Scum, but he was busy on his luxury yacht. Mr Scum famously once said that he can decide an election by influencing his reader-drones. He claims to have used this power to blackmail politicians into doing his bidding. However, Geoff Scum is actually Grigory Skumrov of Vladivostok. He was a KGB agent before buying the Daily Parp newspaper in 1973 and renaming it to the Scum.

Politician Mabel Quark expressed concern. "It is very worrying that one of our biggest tabloid filth rags is controlled by Russians. I always believed that it was under the direction of a slimy millionaire shit-stirrer - which was fine. But if it's the Russians who are spouting this garbage then that is not tolerable."

MI6 spokesman Tarquin Spy agreed. "Britain has for years been subjected to right wing tabloid bollocks from rich fat bald shits who like to shout their mouths off. But not Russian ones. This is a disturbing development."

MI6 are continuing the investigation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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