Written by XRhonda Speaks
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Tuesday, 9 May 2017

image for "Breatharian" Sues Nearby KFC For Weight Gain
The model known as the Human Barbie is a Breatharian and says she lives on air and sunlight.

A London area man who claims he has not eaten in ten years sued a local KFC for his weight gain and lost in court.

Sid Putnam, a self proclaimed Breatharian, claims he gets all of his nutrients from the air he breathes and that just the smell of KFC caused him to gain 70 lbs. in the last two years.

Barrister Beth Cassandro represented the man in court, and said the trouble began after a KFC opened in Putnam's Bratfurt, London neighborhood. Soon the aroma of KFC was streaming into Sid Putnam's residence.

But even Putnam's powerhouse barrister Cassandro couldn't refute the stack of evidence that KFC lawyers amassed in their defense: Surveillance video showed Putnam in disguise in his own vehicle at the drive-thru windows of several fast food chains; and while Putnam was careful to buy food only with cash, a thorough forensic analysis of his credit card receipts showed the purchase of toilet articles, antacids, tooth floss and other items that are associated with food consumption.

Most damning to Putnam's suit was the testimony of pizza delivery boy Pip Lorkins who told the court of his interactions with the Breatharian.

"Mr. Mann as he called himself, would always say he was ordering pizza for his neighbor who was a recluse. I thought I recognized him from a newspaper story about people who don't eat, they just breath, and when I asked him about it he said he was the man in the story. I never mentioned anything to anybody about him and he just tipped me really well from then on."

In the end Putnam had to pay damages and court costs for his false claims against KFC and he may yet face criminal fraud charges.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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