Written by T. Loaf
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Topics: Israel, Boris Johnson, UK

Monday, 1 May 2017

With the breakup of the UK imminent, and Scotland, led by the Lunatic of Loch Lomond, Nicola Sturgeon, shortly on the way out, the UK has been quick to find new brethren. Israel has declared it would be thrilled to replace Scotland should a UK vacancy become available.

"Wonderful for our land", explained Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, "in fact, negotiations are at a final stage. It will be a give and take. The UK will give and we will take. We would be proud to be part of the United Kingdom. The UK has agreed to dispatch forty-four Welsh mining choirs to sing all day and night in the Gaza Strip and the West Bank until these Palestinian pests flee to Egypt and Jordan. And we will be sending a Rabbi to Canterbury to support the Archbishop. The Queen will report to me on a weekly basis, and Prince George will not be confirmed but enjoy a unique Bar Mitzvah. Also, of course, the colours of the flag could remain unchanged due to our beautiful blue and white. But the name...the name would have to be new, I'm afraid. No longer Union Jack, but the Jolly Isaac. I think that's fair, yes?"

"And don't forget, "continued Netanyahu, "Sir Hubert Parry's Jerusalem sing-song would be coming home. We would relocate the Last Night of the Proms to Tel Aviv, and rename it the Last Night of the Bombs, in memory of our willy-nilly murdering of these so-called neighbours, and the general carnage and destruction we have caused. This would be good, no?"

British Foreign Minister, Boris Johnson, was encouraged by developments. "Good, splendido dido, as they say in Bethlehem, I believe. I've always had a soft spot for Jews ever since I saw Schindler's List. And with Northern Ireland leaving, that would provide space for...well, Palestine. Plenty of room around Derry. A new homeland, and separated from Israel by, well, the Irish Sea. Ironic in a biblical sense, I would say. No doubt the UK is unfolding as it should. I will be putting this to the Israeli government next week. As a diplomatic expert, I'm sure the idea will meet with their approval."

"Johnson is a deranged dolt, but he smiles, "said Netanyahu. "We like smilers.......for breakfast".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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