Written by Aaron David
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Topics: Chocolate, nutella

Sunday, 30 April 2017

Following a deluge of bad PR stories, it now appears that a popular nutty chocolate spread is explosive.

Nineteen people in the US and 4 in the UK have spontaneously combusted after eating the sickly product.

Big-Narstie, the corporation which owns the company that owns the company that owns the company that makes it, have strenuously denied the claims.

Head of science and product development, Bob Streperous responded to the claims by explaining: "They're clearly ridiculous; people spontaneously combust all the time."

When reminded that the victims had all just eaten the chocolate spread, Mr Streperous said: "Ah but had they eaten it on crackers? Did they drink tea or coffee with it? I don't see you haranguing Maxwell House or Tetley or Jacobs."

As well as its explosive properties, there is mounting scientific evidence that it can also make your chin fall off.

When this was put to Bob Streperous, he responded: "Well, I don't know anything about science."

I reminded Mr Streperous that he is the corporation's head of science. He responded: "That's just a job title; I only got the job because I went to school with..... Erm..... Anyway, it's all bollocks!"

I finished by asking Mr Streperous about ongoing and impending legal action that is being taken against Big-Narstie on this issue.

Bob told me: "We'll fight them all the way. Those people who claim their chins fell off will be laughing on the other side of their faces."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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