Written by T. Loaf
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Tuesday, 18 April 2017

image for Empress Nicola tempts London Mayor with Scottish Guile

The First Minister of Scotland and SNP leader, Nicola Sturgeon, bent on securing yet another referendum north of the border, is attempting to lure the Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, into her lair.

In an interview with the BBC, the most prominent Highland 'Remoaner' was adamant her wishes will be fulfilled.
"I'm not asking for much. I want full independence. I want it now, I want it here. I want May out, I want me in. I want Europe. I want money from Europe. I want money from Britain. I want a revote if the next one's wrong. I want the Queen out, I want me in. I want almightly power for Edinburgh. I want to be loved. I want a new frock. I want my own TV channel. I want my own range of lipsticks. I want to paint all post boxes blue and white. I want to marry Sean Connery. I want all Highland Terriers back in Scotland. I'm only being reasonable. I'm not asking for much, and I have every right to do so."

Sturgeon is seeking an ally in the London Mayor, Sadiq Khan. London, with 8.6 million inhabitants, is over one and a half times more populated than Scotland (5.2 million) and voted resoundingly to remain in the EU: so the First Minister is offering twin town partnerships to link up with the 'outvoted' English capital, to symbolize that the peoples of Scotland and London are of the same ilk. In a first step, Kinlochleven is to be twinned with Chingford. Aberfeldy with Caulsden and Purley, and Muir of Ord with Bethnal Green.

Khan did not wish to comment on the twinning concept, but hinted that Sturgeon might need to consider introducing Urdu in schools to promote communication with some London boroughs, though readily admitted that Urdu and Scottish do sound incredibly alike.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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