Following her trip to newly installed American dictator Donald Trump, Theresa May's next voyage abroad will be to Pyongyang to schmooze with chubby psycho Kim Jong-Un. It is hoped that similarly weak British diplomacy will pay off with the greasy-palmed porcine leader, and that holding May's hand will encourage him to abandon plans to pursue nuclear weapons.
The strategy was arguably unsuccessful on Donald Trump. The small-handed egomaniac surprisingly appeared to remove his head from his own rectum for a short while - acknowledging his support for NATO and disavowing torture. However, there is little evidence that had anything to do with the British visit, and within hours he was back to his usual self, ripping up the constitution and feeding it to his pet ferret, Steve Bannon.
There is a long history of British diplomacy using hand holding. Neville Chamberlain famously held hands with Adolf Hitler as the two debated the future of Poland. Later, Winston Churchill was spotted holding hands with Stalin, although it is possible he was just fumbling for his glass of whisky.
The practice began in the 1700s and is traditionally called "greasing the palms". It was invented by Lord Romford, who used to cover his hands with pig fat before greeting the Maharajahs of India. He was later eaten alive in the Punjab.
Let us hope that Theresa May's exploits in the orient do not end so violently.