Written by Dr Farquar
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Topics: Bogeyman

Monday, 9 January 2017

"Picking your nose and eating it is one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to a top Austrian doctor.

Innsbruck-based lung specialist Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger said people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthy, happier and probably better in tune with their bodies.

He says society should adopt a new approach to nose-picking and encourage children to take it up.

Dr Bischinger says, "With the finger you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner. And eating the dry remains of what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system. Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do.

"In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine.

"Modern medicine is constantly trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for free."

He pointed out that children happily pick their noses, yet by the time they have become adults they have stopped under pressure from a society that has branded it disgusting and anti social."

Pick and Chews

The Doctor is a veritable expert! Gad! I would hate to see the state of hi touchscreen! This is healthy behaviour to just a point. It may boost your immune system by foraging for nasal material and consuming it, but it won't be sold in 'Holland and Barratt' for a few years yet. It might boost your immunity but not your social life. Dinner parties may be a little tense.

The World Health Organisation advise consumers to refuse green olives with Florentine pizzas if they doubt these findings.

How antisocial?
We all do it, yet when we catch others 'Digging for Victory' find it repulsive. Only 13% of the population use an apparatus to pick their nose. The rest of us are content to use our digits. A startling 98% examine the mining of their bugle.

When chastised as children by our parents, "If you do that again you won't go to the party." Or, "don't do that or your head will cave in," or even, "do you want some salt and pepper, on that?" Apparently, they got it wrong.

Are we saying that parents should encourage this once maligned and indiscreet habit?

One can feel the creeping horror of such consequences.

"Darling, you can have your game-boy back as soon as you have eaten your 'Gillies'."

The 'Bogey man' would have a whole new reputation. As an adoptive career move in line with the less paranormal terrorism you can only hope he washes his hands afterwards. The thought of a hooded figure just quietly picking his or her nose in the corner of my bedroom, on Halloween might be a little less scary. As long as he didn't leave it on the mirror.

I'm sure the above researchers are advocating this to stop the population explosion. Should courting couple develop this 'bugle bashing' during the art of seduction?

"Sweetie, when I said, I wanted to touch your 'hooter' I had something else in mind?"

Prominent Irish sex expert Todd Cavendish says, the missionary position is a convenient time to inspect cluttered nasal passages, and coincidentally a box of tissues can be asked for at any stage while coupling, instead of traditionally after sex. However, exchanging body fluids, may take on an entirely new life.

How odd? We have this pre-occupation with picking our noses? To watch a truck driver at traffic lights manually excavating his conk used to be embarrassing for other motorists. Not any more, if these scientists have their own way, what was once a discreet but exciting activity, exercised behind hymn books in church, will soon become boringly routine, and an ordinary part of a everyday healthy diet. It might even become cuisine. Restaurateurs, may have 'chef' busier than he has ever been before, serving up his own proboscis concrete. I cannot see this as a healthy food option, but it may rule out diners asking the courteous question, "Is that spinach between their teeth?" or, trying to pass off the stain on your collar, as guacamole.

People who pick their nose should not point the finger.

It's not difficult to understand any reader's disgust when they naturally recoil at the thought of munching mucus when such a hideous habit may be potentially ordained by Austrian as a nutritious health giving living skill. What's next? Re-constituted pooh, made into manageable microwavable bite-size nuggets? Perhaps, we shall be later coerced by the media to eat genetically modified toe-grit or home-grown navel lint, spread thinly on the top of running bed sores? Forget fizzy sports drinks down at the gym. Just pop by your local day centre and pick up a filled catheter, for that 'freshly squeezed' goodness?

Revolting? Not so 'out of the way' in Ethiopia. Camel pee is used to aid a good complexion and used as a refreshing beverage. True.

Let me take it further one more inevitable step. (As I invariably do) Why not use toenail clippings and mix them with Greek yoghurt for a creamy, yet somewhat gritty exfoliate?

Toenail clippings can also discourage unwanted lovers if you leave them at the foot of your bed.

Isn't it vile enough that we have all these holes in our body that produce all kinds of sticky debris? People no longer have any need to slide down stair banisters, now we have 'Hakle's moists'. A far cry from the abrasive sheets I can remember toilet paper used to be. It had the absorbency of a varnished scuba diving outfit, turning your rectum into Apello and leaving your arse in a sling. It was called Izal paper. Car body repairers would mask cars with it before spraying. You could re-felt sheds with it, or use it as grade 3 sandpaper.

Apparently, our own water supply has to go through four people before we drink it? Questions:

So why do we have to pay for it again then?
Who are these people?
Haven't they got anything better to do than stand around taking the piss?
If I am going to drink proper urine I will buy an alcohol free lager, but tell me?
Who is the person collecting (or siphoning) off the first four people, and is the jar clean?

Urine, is just ammonia and dead cells and has no medicinal health giving qualities at all. Why? If you drink urine half the people you meet will smell your breath and ask, "What the hell, have you been eating?" before, punching you very hard. Not very healthy when you shortly, thereafter, become 'street pizza', is it? Ancient Oriental practice insists that it will make you more virile if you drink the wee of various animals. Today, this is called Urn Bru, and while it will not make you virile, it will keep you sober and thus make you more attractive to your wife.

Some rather eccentric sexual practices are called "water sports". This is the filthy habit of weeing on naked people to save dry cleaning bills. Ironic, don't you think? When on the one hand, some men are allowed to do this, BUT woe betide them, if they leave the lid up?

The only good thing to come out of eating bogies, is your nose. It will appear nostril flaringly 'gremlin free' and not clog your trimmer.

Hankies not to be sneezed at.

The worst scenario? Handkerchiefs will be banned and people will have nothing to roll into a claggy ball and shove tightly up one arm of their cardigan. In emergencies people might end up marooned on an 'inflatable' unable to attract attention without the trusty 'snotrag' being waved at high tide. In wartime, nobody would be able to surrender without one tied on a short bendy stick, held nervously from behind a rock, by some dusty and rather furtive potential prisoner of war. No hanky. No surrender. What in God's snort, will event? This is bound to incur the slaughter of millions of people unnecessarily. How can warring nations ever become at peace without a 'blow of their bugle' first?

Hanky Panky
Reaching for the good old hanky would mean never having to wipe it on the duvet again.

People previously would forget what their own initials are until they blew their half filled horn on their own monogrammed hankies.

Warn a brother

Old films would have to use kitchen roll in slushy romantic scenes and thus block up all the local sewers. Actors would be forced to just go through the motions. They would have to tie knots in them just to remember their lines.

Elvis was the real Hanky Chief.

What would Elvis or 'Satchmo' and now, even, Charles Kennedy have done, if they had no access to a hanky? Ok, in 'Elvis' case, he could just as easily use ladies knickers. Louis Armstrong's kept cool with a cornet, but Charles Kennedy is expected to sweat. That's what our taxes pay for. Politicians mop brows, instead of mopping up the mess they make of things. Simple.

I have a miniature vacuum cleaner for my Hi-FI. Complete with Hoover bag and accessories. The tiny crevice tool has proven very efficient at nasal junk removal. But I refuse to eat the contents of the bag. Regular vacuum bags for household cleaning hold 90% of household dust. It is called P.B.A or 'Putrefied Body Ash.' Yes, that's right, rotting flesh. Dead skin from out bodies. Would you eat that? It would be like French kissing a now dead Joan Rivers. Don't look so surprised Joan, it could happen! (Correction: Joan always 'looked surprised' because she has had that many 'nips and tucks' if she frowned too quickly, her knickers would snap up under her chin and catapult her across the Gulf of Mexico.)

As we get older we shed a lot more skin, which is, paradoxically, not the reason old people seem to have a whole lot more of it than younger readers. That's why old Naval tattoos are often confused with liver spots on crinkly people over the age of eighty. We all get old. Cliff Richard is stubbornly stillborn after refusing to stay a fetus.

Did you know that there are more types of germs in your mouth than in your own faeces?

If you don't believe me you can kiss my arse.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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