Written by Backandtotheleft
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Topics: seaside, Puppets, sock

Friday, 14 October 2016

image for Killer Sock Puppets
A renegade sock puppet was shot in Forks (AZ)

The "Killer Clown" craze that has been sweeping the nation (and led BATTL news to assault a children's entertainer this week) may not be the only costumed terror we have to worry about.

Sightings of deranged sock puppets terrorising seaside communities have escalated this year. From 1950-2000 there were five recorded incidents of Sock Puppet Terrorisation (SPT) whereas from 2001-2016 there were over 10 incidents. Most of the new wave of terror attacks have occurred in a stretch of coastline only 2 miles long prompting many to speculate that the perpetrator may have local knowledge of the area.

The attacks follow the same pattern. Lone person either at home or walking back from a social event/function. A noise usually a rustling is heard. Then BANG! Sock puppet groping.

Ethel Ridgerson, 109, was at her home in Hornsea when a sock puppet terror attack hit her community.

I'd just finished my string bean soup when there was a rapping on the window. Not one of those raps done by Ja Rule or R Kelly but like a knocking sound. I looks up and there he was, clear as day, bold as brass. The beady eyed bastard looked me straight in me glass eye and proceeded to try and open the window. I went to call the police and the next think I know's is he's resting his head on my wooden leg. Well I screamed "Blue murder" and that seemed to do the trick and he shot off back into the night probably to masturbate.

A terrifying ordeal for a lovely lady who gave us so many sugary treats during her interview that we may have developed diabetes
Sue Thompson of the internet watchdog "SockWatch" warned us that this may just be the start of something far bigger.

Sock puppetry to this extreme is a danger to the moral fabric of society and will throw up all kinds of trust issues between man and his socks in the years to come. How will you be able to trust your foot ware if they could have been used to perform terror attacks like the ones were seeing on the British coastline?

We agreed. Although this fad probably started off as innocent fun it's time we all banded together to readdress the balance between mankind and their iconic foot coverings.

If you have any information about the ongoing SPT please call your local police station and inform them. Slowly because they're not always the brightest.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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