The master of the Belfryshire's 'Yoiks Tally-ho Hunt', Major Burgundy Tulip, was up before Magistrates this morning charged with causing GBH, cruelty to animals, contrary to that bloody stupid and unenforceable new law the government brought in a while ago, and being in charge of a very red and unpleasant countenance.
Speaking in own his defence Major Tulip told the court:
"In regard to the charge of GBH; I was provoked by this grubby looking rascal, a saboteur if you please, who looked as if he lived in filth, depravity and squalor and who tried to knock me off my horse. So I gave him a damn good slosh with my crop. I don't think I killed him so what's he bleating about?
As for the second charge; cruelty to animals? Don't make me laugh! Everyone knows that the only humane way to deal with foxes is to pursue them for miles across the countryside to the point of their exhaustion and then let fifty or so dogs rip them to shreds. It's a kindness quite honestly, and if they could speak the foxes would thank us for it"
Major Tulip then admitted the third charge and told the court "It's a fair cop"
He was given a conditional discharge by his wife and fellow Magistrate Mrs. Chablis Tulip and was praised for his honesty in admitting the third charge.
The hunt saboteur, despite having not been charged with anything, was fined £200, bound over to keep the peace for six months and told not to be such a moaning Minnie.
"Townies don't understand our country ways and they'd be better keeping out of our business. We don't go to their filthy squats and take drugs do we?" said Tulip as he left court a free man with no stain on his character whatsoever.