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Saturday, 13 August 2016

image for Anti-drugs campaign causes controversy
Police deemed marijuana to be only two thirds as gay as heroine

The Police Service of Northern Ireland has broken records worldwide today as they began their new anti-drugs campaign and immediately reduced Belfast's drug consumption to zero. However, gay rights activists have called the campaign "crass" and "unbelievably offensive".

The campaign has been targeted at young first time users in the greater Belfast area, and is composed entirely of the phrase "drugs are gay" written in permanent marker on the sides of bottles of Buckfast. Despite allegations that the campaign demonises the LGBT community, the PSNI are insistent that the results speak for themselves.

Overnight, the NI drug trade has been completely shut down, and over five hundred addicts have presented themselves to the Belfast City Hospital for rehabilitation.

Eighteen-year-old father of two Trevor McGranaghan was interviewed by the Spoof after handing himself in to a confused traffic warden for possession of cocaine with intent to sell. He requested his name be changed so his friends don't find out he was dealing.

"I didn't think it were like, queer nor nothing, so I didn't," he said, "it were good cash an' all like, but as soon as I saw the new Buckfast logo my girl were like, listen mate, I'm not having another babby with no gaybo, so I'm not."

In order to avoid being bullied in prison, police have agreed to comply with his request to simply tell everyone that he's in for rape, sexual assault, and distributing child pornography.

Parliament have praised the aggressive homophobia of the Irish people, calling it "a force for unexpected good, we think".

MI6 have been considering utilizing a similar approach for stamping out fundamentalist Islamic terrorism.

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