Newly unelected (by the people, yes we understand she was elected by the Tory party) Prime Minister Theresa May has had a historic meeting with Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon today. Admitting that the meeting was "positive" and that "all options for Scotland were being considered" she gave the watching crowds a wave then boarded the newly commissioned multi billion pound ship "Austerity One" and set off back to London.
Back and to the Left news were fortunate enough to catch a glimpse (through binoculars as it lay on a table made of shimmering rubies on Austerity One) of a file that was entitled "Plans For Scotland". We're afraid that publication of these points could see us added to yet another Government watch list. But we also understand the need for truth! So here are Theresa's four major plans for Scotland.
Turn It All Into A Massive Car park
I want to invite more rich people and business executives into the country and what do the rich have? Car's. Loads of em. We need a space large enough to store up to...like....six million cars. The terrible un-mown heaths of Scotland will be perfect for this. For entertainment we can take them to the "Northern Powerhouse" in England and laugh at the poor trying to survive on Pay Day loans. What larks!
Allow Scotland To Negotiate A Separate Deal From The EU
Their a bunch of drunkards and gluttons who love nothing more than sinking 19 pints of Tennants, throwing a deep fried Mars Bar down their gullets and fighting a dog. So if we allow them to negotiate a separate leave deal we could be onto a winner. They'll obviously negotiate so they can keep their alcohol prices low. So hopefully next time a election comes round their all too pissed to vote SNP.
Everyone has been moaning about the testing of drugs and cosmetics on animals and quite frankly I'm tired of hearing all these protests. I think Spaniels quite enjoy wearing eye shadow but that's beside the point. With my government in power I'll hopefully be able to increase overall Scottish employment to 80-90%. The increasing desperation from people trying to feed their families (syncing up nicely with the fact I'll gradually reduce all unemployment benefits to the point of nothing) will force them to seek new avenues of employment. A new readymade and willing (so the dam animal rights mob can back off) workforce to be tested on.
Allow Them To Have A Second Independence Referendum Because The Fact We've Left The EU Would Have Greatly Effect The Results.
HAHAHA. This is never happening.