Warsaw, Poland - In opening remarks before a press conference in Warsaw today, U.S. President Obama took time to remind Americans that though their hatred for each other is "very real and probably implacable" it pales in comparison to the loathing people in Europe have for one another.
"Just today Greece's NATO representative broke into applause when I mentioned the recent terror attack in Turkey," Obama said.
Obama recounted how at last year's conference a Turkish general lunged at a Greek finance minister and tried taking his eyes out with a cork screw.
"And all over something to do with sardine fishing rights off the island of Lesbos," the President said.
Saying that most black people "grow ill" thinking about "any white person who has it good in America," and admitting also that "all black people entertain murderous fantasies about whites at least four times a day," Obama said that, compared to how the Poles feel about Germans, black people in America "heart honkies."
"It's more or less an open secret around here that Poland joined NATO just to anger and provoke Russia in hopes that it would one day nuke Germany," Obama told reporters.
"Just today Poland's representative suggested amassing 2 million drunk German soldiers on the border with Russia," Obama said. "Now what possible strategical purpose would be served by that?"
Obama went on to say that even Russia and Poland's mutual animosity towards Jews couldn't bring them together.
"And that usually works with everybody," Obama said, claiming a recent immigration spat between Italy and France was resolved with a joke about a Jewish father who won't lend his son five dollars for a guinea pig.
"I don't remember the exact punchline. All I know is the father keeps his money and the son has sex with an Irish prostitute," Obama said.
Obama went on to say that NATO is "a delusional organization" of "blood enemies" doomed to once again "fall into their centuries old habits of deranged, tribal bloodshed" once America is bankrupt and can no longer provider the continent's defense.
"Once were gone these people will make Rwanda look like a theme park," he said.
Representatives of the European NATO States conceded that Obama had a point.
"For fifty years, every night II dream of strangling the British Prime Minister, no matter who's in office," said French representative, Pierre Letue.