Mere days after cleaving the country in two via the "Brexit" vote political super villain Nigel Farage has stepped down from his position as UKIP leader.
In an emotional statement that had to be halted at several points as squadrons of Spitfires roared past in tribute to the man. He was also visited by the ghosts of several of our most important historical figures including Churchill, Wellington and Jade Goody all of whom praised him for a job well done.
He stated several times that he "wanted his country back" (presumably it had been stolen by Macedonian brick layers) and now he wants' his "life back". Back and to the Left news understands how he feels. Manipulating people into thinking casual racism is OK can really take it out of you.
As expected a bloody leadership race will now take place in which the candidates will desperately try to prove to the public they are actual human. Rather than just a collection of character flaws and patriotic symbolism. But the candidates will be expected to meet the criteria set down in the "Book of UKIP". These include:
• A UKIP leadership candidate must be able to sing the national anthem backwards.
• They must attempt to shoehorn the phrase "hard working British families" into as many sentences as possible. Even if talking about sewage.
• They must not look like a lizard wearing human skin like the members of the Conservative party do.
• The ability to tell, from taste and texture, the English county the ingredients of their dinner came from.
• Basic GCSE's desired but not required
As Farage wandered off into a Union Jack tinted sunset to the sound of Rule Britannia we couldn't help but feel we hadn't seen the last of him. He'll be back. Riding on the back of a genetically enhanced British bulldog and singing God Save The fucking Queen.