Written by Auntie Matter
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Saturday, 2 July 2016

image for The Potter Bank Opens in London
Bank Manager

LONDON UK: A new bank has just opened in London. Who owns the bank and who runs it is still a guarded secret. But it is a bank like no other. It has its own pub, massage parlour and meditation room. And boasts a disturbing mural in the foyer depicting a human sacrifice ritual from Damien Hirst.

And from its advertizement campaign launched last night at Coventry's Masonic Hall with an introduction from J. K Rowling, it looks like it could be a serious rival to the stalwarts of Barclays, Lloyds and the HSBC. Here is the text from its first televised ad.

"We at THE POTTER BANK want you to know that we really care. We are not just your "friendly bank". We are a member of your family. If you suffer we will comfort you. If you are sick and in hospital we will send you a text. We will send you a card. We will hand deliver a bouquet of flowers. We will even send Mister Mortgage our resident clown to cheer you up. And, we will even dispatch one of our staff to your funeral. Between wars, we have always been your supporter.

When you are in debt, we feel it too. If you are in severe debt we do all we can to help... for a modest fee. In extreme cases, we hold all night prayer vigils and occasionally sacrifice a goat at full moon to alleviate the cruel burden of the debts you may have inflicted on yourself. We will hold candlelit vigils when necessary at your favourite ATM machine. We will never ever let you feel that you are just a tool for making us richer and more powerful. You will love our annual balls, masques and pantomimes full of magic and wonder. Not to mention our weekly cash draws.

Never will we confiscate your house, or your property.... unless we have to. And if we have to... we will do it tearfully. You have our word. Open a personal account with us today and praise The Lord that you found us. Put your trust today in England's THE POTTER BANK, a monument to home-grown creativity and imagination. You do not have a minute to lose."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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